she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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