I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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