We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize