hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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