So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
