You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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