i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
