I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think my vagina is haunted
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
