im drinking this country out of the recession.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
