just tell him i said nine months
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
