its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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