he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
