pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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