On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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