I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize