he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
