You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize