I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
