Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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