Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
