look no pants
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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