Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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