Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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