Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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