you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
