when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
