Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize