from now on my penis is your penis
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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