Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
