My liver just broke up with me...
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
