Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
