i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
