he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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