your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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