How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my being single is dangerous.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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