im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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