roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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