I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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