PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize