Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
