Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
