I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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