She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize