I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
