Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Shame - the story of my life.
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