he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
