I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm just crazy horny about you
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
