I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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