you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
