I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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