PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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