there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
