so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
