Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
