theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
