I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
