I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
