You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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