??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
