just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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