my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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