she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
