dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
