Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
