He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
