is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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