I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
